The Scariest Post I've Ever Written

This post will change my life forever.

I have many resolutions for the upcoming year. I plan on publishing my first novel, and possibly a collection of poetry as well if I’m feeling especially motivated. I’m going to start going to the gym again (the most cliche resolution of all, so sue me). But most importantly, I’ve decided it’s time I start doing my best to impact this world for the better.

Allow me to use my own experiences for a moment as a sort of aid here to explain what I mean.

I was raised by two wonderful parents, who taught me that fear is the opposite of love. This is the year that I plan on being able to look in the mirror and stop being terrified of myself. In order to be able to help others to do the same thing, I first need to accept who I am.

I am gay. Some of you already know, but I need it to be public. I need everyone to know that I’m not ashamed of it, not afraid of it anymore. I need to stop worrying that someone is going to reveal it in a malicious whisper to my little sister. I need her to know that I’m not ashamed of who I am. It should never have felt like it had to be a secret in the first place.

Growing up in small-town Utah was rough. I can’t even begin to count the amount of times I heard people casually insulting the gay populace. I realized that I was attracted to my same sex when I was in junior high, and that’s when the slurs started to feel like whiplash; it gradually got harder and harder to hold my head up. Looking back, I realize that no one actually knew what they were saying. An atrocious amount of hurtful parroting occurs in schools.

All through high school no one ever really seemed to catch on. No one ever asked me if I was gay, and I did my best to fit into the straight-male stereotypes any way I could. I feel very grateful to have avoided most teasing, bullying, and humiliation that many gay people in this sort of community go through. The thing is, I’ve gotten to know a heartbreaking amount of people who didn’t escape it. Who didn’t thrive in high school, who barely survived, and people who didn’t survive at all.

I’ve done a lot of growing in the past few years, and an awful, awful lot of thinking.

I decided that I’m not going to be afraid anymore. If anything, I’m going to be a little bit angry. I’m angry that gay people (and this extends to anyone who doesn’t self-identify as straight) are and have been so blatantly mistreated. It’s impossible to deny it. Gay people have been ridiculed, looked down upon, and even killed for thousands of years and it needs to stop. Now. And it’s time I do something about it.

We are just people. Our feelings and our hearts are real. We deserve love and respect just like every other member of this planet. There is no reasoning that can justify mistreatment. According to The Trevor Project, LGBTQ youth are four times more likely to commit suicide than their straight peers. We’re killing kids with our attitudes.

Long story short, there was a time when I regularly had the thought that I’d rather die than have my family find out that I was gay. For so many years I felt like I was able to barely keep above the waves of guilt and fear of rejection. I honestly felt destined to drown some day. I don’t want anyone to ever feel the same way I did. Since then I’ve met a lot of incredible people who have kept me going, and I am so full of love for those who have embraced me after learning that I am a homosexual. If you’re supporting struggling LGBTQ people around you, you are saving lives. End of story.

I remember the moment when I realized that there were always going to be people who would hate me just for being gay. One day I was alone in an elevator with a friend of mine, and on that particular day you could tell just by looking at us that we were gay. The doors of the elevators opened, some people started to walk in, and then stopped. They looked at us with open disgust, and I heard one mutter that “this one was full” and they refused to get in the same elevator with us. The doors stayed open, and we just stared at each other. Stared. And stared.

I can’t explain how much it hurt. I wanted to scream at them, but also wanted to just crumple to the floor and cry. What had we done to deserve to be treated this way? We strive to be good, kind people. And yet, for the rest of our lives there are people out there who will treat us like we’re freaks.

When it comes down to it, this isn’t about me. Sure. I came out. So what? This is just my measly experience, there are hundreds of thousands of stories a thousand times worse than mine when it comes to stuff like this. What’s really important is that there are a lot of people hurting out there, and there’s something we can do about it. It’s time for us to step up, and stand up for each other as fellow humans, regardless of beliefs. Let’s change the world and create a new one where people don’t have to be scared anymore.

I am a gay man. I am proud to be gay, and I’ve decided that this year I’m going to become an advocate for happiness. And I invite you to join me.

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There have been a lot of questions floating around about what’s been going on in my life lately. Well, this is it. And if you hear anyone asking about me, please point them in the direction of this article. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have, and I will most likely be writing more about this topic in this blog in the future.